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Friday, December 19th, 2003
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Hello! =] Long time, no posting....here anyway.....My new journal went from ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) applebuddy to my current journal empty_feeling ...Any of you that still have me on your friends list...add my new journal, and I will add ya back! =]
<33
Amy
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Tuesday, January 14th, 2003
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Well, I was a bit dissapointed with Hunger Point. I thought the acting was pretty bad. But, I am still glad that I watched it.
I ate way too much this morning..that is the only bad thing about havng to go to work..if I don't eat, I know that I won't be able to smile and be in a good mood...I am working alone today too..so I need the energy.
9:10 AM
1 Cup "Complete" cereal - 120
1/3 cup skim milk - Just going to round up to 40
TOTAL
160
-calories left-
340
I really want to get a gym membership..I may try to convince my mom to pay for it..hehehe..
I was reading through some of my saved email from John...I can't read them now without crying...I am never going to find a guy with writing skills like his..
"I just called you... Left a message.
I'm frightened. I'm afraid that one day "Goodbye" will be forever.
I miss you.
It hurts. I would rather be penniless and yours than anything else and
without you.
I remember holding you close, realizing how pure you really are, deep down.
Your kind, giving heart... I miss it.
I miss your smile. And your laugh. And your eyes.
I read some "Immanuel Kant" out of one of my books (Though we're not there
yet)... Kant talks about "Taste" in some of his work... He's the guy my
dad couldn't read much of, but my uncle could... Philosophy dude... And he
defines everything - very difficult, and interesting. The thing is...
Without you, I don't have any aesthetic taste... A sunset has no appeal
without some thought of you. You define "Good" and "True" and "Beautiful"
in my life - Without you, I have nothing. You are my meter.
I need a hug.
I can't handle this week.
I need to be out of school. I need a break. I need love. Your love.
I miss you.
The first time we met, I was depressed. Extremely, no doubt. I remember
the sunrise, behind your house, was bleak, dark, and dreary. A lone Raven
was sitting on a tree, squawking away, marking the moment with what should
have been a desperate sense of foreboding... But instead, you crested the
hill and I realized how perfect that moment had become. Everything sort of
culminated in an instant of dark, hopeless gloom, and yet you cut through
it. The tingle I hadn't imagined feeling again was there... And something
else. The twinge in my stomach - Excited - Urgent - And then some deeper
movement. Something else stirred.
I remember staring off into the distance, imagining your hand in mine.
Imagining what your eyes would look like when you said "I love you, John"
It wasn't anything like I imagined.
I wasn't capable, then, of believing anything like now would ever happen.
Being away from you is making me a bad person. It's making me empty.
Alone. Useless.
I wish you were here.
I want to hold your hand, knowing that nothing but death could ever change
our bliss.
And hoping, somehow, nearly knowing, that even death can't win.
I need you.
I need an Amy Blanket.
I need my Somebody.
Fuzzy.
i love you."
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Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
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Monday, January 13th, 2003
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Well today I went to court...
I chose for John to be able to not have this on his record...but he will be on probation for 2 years..and we cannot have any contact (for 2 years). I couldn't even talk to him today. We could change the restraining order in a few months, but we will have to go back to court, and I don't even know (nor will I ever know) if he even WANTS me to...This wasn't the restraining order we chose, the DA said that it had to be like this...I am going to miss him so much. I feel horrible. I don't know what to do with myself.
But I weigh 110! Woo hoo. 102 doesn't seem so far away anymore...!
My goal is to get to 102 by Valentine's day...then to 92 by my birthday (April 6th) then to 82 by The 4th of July...then 72 by Halloween. I feel so in control. I love it.
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Sunday, January 12th, 2003
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| Time: | 7:12 pm. |
| Mood: |  numb. |
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Well yesterday was the worst day of my life..I'm sure that it was even worse for John. I went to my orientation at work, it was a lot of fun, met everybody, etc. Then I had to go buy pants for work, so I decided to pick John up to go along with me. He was still upset (about this) and he was telling me how he didn't want me to have friends outside of work, etc. I didn't really have the time to fight because I had to be back to work in 2 and a half hours..so I turned around to take him home. When we got in his neighborhood, he was screaming and crying and telling me to pull over..he eventually twisted my arm and pulled my emergency brake. So I was crying and started trying to get people's attention to help me. (he was being violent) When people came over to the car he made me drive to his house..where he called me a variety of names, consisting of "anorexic slut".."stupid bitch".. etc. Then he got out and pulled the sheepskin off of the seat, hits the dashboard, the windows, then KICKS my car like 5 times (This is my brand new BMW..) so I am FREAKING out..I called 911. I am on the phone with them and John is crying and on his knees in front of me begging me to hang up..saying that he will pay for it and what not (How the hell would he pay for it when he has no job..he always just gets money from his parents..)...Then he drove off when I didn't get off of the phone and said that he would kill himself. His mom came outside and was asking who I was on the phone with, asked what I did..eventually I hung up on the 911 people because she said to call her to get the car paid for. She also added that John and I both had problems and weren't right for one another, and that I shouldn't call him anymore. So I left, and on the way out of the neighborhood, John was on his way in..he turned around and followed me..kept trying to get me to pull over..he turned around after a while..I stopped at the firestation (I had no idea where else to go) and there were already police at John's house..etc etc..anyhow..John was arrested and we are going to court tomorrow..I miss him so much..I mean, I am extremely upset about my car..if he hadn't done that I wouldn't have called the police..but he went too far..9 months..and now it is pretty much just over..I know that my parents don't want me to ever see him again..his parents probably feel the same way..although they have for a while because I have "problems"..his dad hates me..I bought them all little presents for Christmas..(I am not allowed to be in their house) but John had me in his living room for a minute the other day, and next to the kitchen door was the present I gave to his dad, still wrapped. *sigh* That REALLY made me angry. Fucking give it back if you refuse to open it. But whatever. Anyways, so yeah, I miss him..probably won't really ever see him again..it hurts. I don't need to eat anymore. I feel way too sick.
Today was my first day working (because I of course couldn't go in after the incident yesdterday) It was fun..lots of walking and standing, so I will be burning more calories and be able to consume less.
I hope ya'll are doing better than I am. <3
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Saturday, January 11th, 2003
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Okay. So the worst thing that could happen happened. John found my journal. Seriously, I really didn't think that he would. And technically "he" didn't. His sister did. So now I am all paranoid that I have her on my friends list and she will see this and then he will see this...I know that she has had some body image problems, but I didn't think that she was pro ana or anything..and she very well may not be, she may have just run across my journal..*sigh* Anyway yeah he read everything..he is having a breakdown..made me take my ring back (oh well I needed the money anyways) SO yeah I made my journal friends only..I may make a new one..who knows..ahh..this kind of thing always happens to me!
I am going to a work "orientation" today at 10. I am nervous.
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Tuesday, January 7th, 2003
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I passed my driving test! Woo..FINALLY got enough hours in to get my license, took the test today..today was really good..I got a job, passed the test (getting my license tomorrow, the dmv was closed today) and enrolled at ACC..phew.
My eating yesterday was wonderful...today wasn't quite as good as I would have liked, because I decided to eat something in order to ensure that I would be fully alert during the test. Tomorrow I will just keep my intake under 500..and continue doing so for the rest of the week.
I am really worried about the scars on my arm..for my job..I will be a hostess at Applebees (this all worked out so well, the driving test met in the parking lot of Applebee's, so my dad went inside for a drink, saw that the manager was looking for employees, and I got a job) Anyhow..although I wasn't paying too close of attention to their work clothes, I am pretty sure that they wear short sleeve shirts...I may have to wear foundation on my arm..heh..I am so pissed off too because I have cut both of my arms in the past, and only these scars decided to stay.
I also got a new cell phone!! Supposedly one of the best ones out there, AT&T T68i..it has all of those nifty new features that cell phones have now..my old phone (one of those ones that they have faceplates in every color you can imagine..the ones that everyone used to have..no clue what it is called anymore) So today really was my day..haha.
AND John was hugging me and was telling me how he could feel all of my ribs on my back, and how he was so worried about it..not that I want him to worry..but woo, ribs! Yay.
Hope ya'll are doing well.
TTYL =]
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Monday, January 6th, 2003
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Well, so much for my liquid fast that started on Friday..lmao..like, 12 hours into it John and I went out...I ordered hot tea with lemon. He FLIPPED out..he doesn't seem to have a problem with fighting in public, so he is just yelling at me about it in front of all of these people (I mean it was a Friday night..jesus) so I got a salad with grilled chicken. He is getting to be really hard to handle..he decided that he wants to start weighing me...told me that if I lost any more weight he would leave me because he isn't strong enough to watch me kill myself. Of course, he has been saying this for months. He told me he would leave me if I lost any more weight 15 pounds ago..so..I doubt he will leave. And if he does, fine. That is his deal. I feel really bad..I mean I really love him..But this isn't something that will ever go away..I realized that 3 years ago..after getting out of the hospital & "recovering" then doing it all over again..and now doing it alll over again...
I am starting my liquid fast again tomorrow (Monday) because I think that I will have enough time alone during the week (at least) to make it work.
I got my ana ring..it was being resized..unfortunately it will need to be resized AGAIN..it is one of those 3 stone rings (past present & future) White gold, 3 sapphires and 4 little diamonds outside of them. My webcam is too cheap to focus on it, so it turns out all blurry..It is so frustrating. Once my mom gets her new digital camera working I will take pictures of it. =D
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Friday, January 3rd, 2003
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Well my fast is going well NOW...lol..I woke up at 7 after going to bed at 4 and ate 2 pieces of toast..totally forgot about my liquid thing. But it is all good now. I am going to my dad's for the weekend, so I won't be back until Sunday. Stay strong girls! <3 Amy
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Well my fast is going well NOW...lol..I woke up at 7 after going to bed at 4 and ate 2 pieces of toast..totally forgot about my liquid thing. But it is all good now. I am goign to my dad's for the weekend, so I won't be back until Sunday. Stay strong girls! <3 Amy
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| Time: | 3:20 am. |
| Mood: |  determined. | | Music: | Computer humming. |
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I am going to try to keep as many "bad things" out of here as possible..if John found this, for some reason..yeah he would not be a happy camper...I mean, I can understand why he would be upset, because he doesn't want me to get as sick as I did before..he didn't know me then..Oh well..I am just rambling..
CW-112
HW-135
LW-75
GW-102 in a month or 2
LTGW-80
I think I am going to start a liquid fast..I always enjoy those. Tomorrow I will start. Yay I am excited now..
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Monday, September 9th, 2002
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So I had about 10 bites of oatmeal last night when John and I went to ihop..then some crackers later at night..and a calcium chew.
Today so far..1 calcium chew..3 egg whites..1 prune.
1 hour of aerobics..30 minutes of weights and sit-ups
I think I will do another hour later.
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